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Friday, November 25, 2016

My Very First

To my eldest child,

I never quite understood why my relationship with my mother can be complicated and fragile at times, other than the hereditary stubbornness we both unfortunately possess. Until I had you. Then it all down on me that a first born holds a place like no other in a mother's heart. Not because you are cuter than the rest of your sibling neither because you are assumed to be smarter.

You are my first near death experience. That 19 hours of labour which I will repeatedly narrate to you about later, especially when you misbehave, felt like years of battle. There were moments I thought were my last. There was a point I was ready to die, literally asking God to just pull my soul out. And then my mind rushed back to you. The thought of never meeting you and you never knowing me, gathered all the strength I have left and pulled me through to give that last strong push. And then you were born. Your first cry is the sweetest song I've heard. With that faint whimper, all my pain disappeared as if it wasn't never even there.

With your birth, I was reborn.

You made me a mother.

Your first year is the hardest for me. I was adjusting to you. I was adjusting to the new me.

Every new month brought new challenges. I read and read up more. I thought I knew all but nothing could have prepared me to face the wariness and worries of a mother. I wanted to kill your first fever away with my bare hands. Your first fall off the bed felt like my biggest failure ever. Your three nights in the hospital were my longest misery.

I would grow wings if I had to because all I knew is that I wanted to protect you from all the harm and evil in this world.

I've never slept so poorly. The fact that I could still wake up the next morning and still carry on to function to the fullest, never failed to amaze me. I would like to believe I have gained superpowers. Superpowers such as the ability to shower in three minutes, rinsing my hair while brushing my teeth or simply the instinct of identifying your cries and figuring out your needs.

Breathe in, breathe out. Take one day at a time they say.

But that is not all I have gained. There were stretchmarks, post-pregnancy weight and scars that I couldn't stand in front of the mirror long enough to watch them. There are days I couldn't recognize my body anymore. I broke down the first time I tried to squeeze in my pants after I had you. I assure you that particular pair of pants never saw the light of day again. How dare it betray me?

As I watch you grow my child, I realize how much I have grown too.

You taught me patience and innocence.
You made me new. You made me better.
And I hope I will be super.
At least to you.


May we all please Allah.

Lots of love,
Ummi

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